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Phyllis Diller Quotes

Please enjoy these encouraging quotes by Phyllis Diller.

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
- Phyllis Diller

Related topics: Cute Whimsey Funny

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
- Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
- Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller

 

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
- Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors:
Eat out.
- Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive.
My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
- Phyllis Diller

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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
- Phyllis Diller

There's so little money in my bank account,
my scenic checks show a ghetto.
- Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
- Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was
to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
- Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
- Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
- Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
- Phyllis Diller

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
- Phyllis Diller

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
- Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice -
they just look like me.
- Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out.
I was in his room.
- Phyllis Diller

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep,
or I'd be rotten to the core.
- Phyllis Diller

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
- Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home.
This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
- Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument,
a bank has just been robbed.
- Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle -
keep away from children.
- Phyllis Diller

There's a new medical crisis.
Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic
reactions to latex condoms.
They say they cause severe swelling.
So what's the problem?
- Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age -
as your beauty fades,
so will his eyesight.
- Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11
of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
- Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's
lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve
telling them to sit down and shut up.
- Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast.
Turned out to be a trick knee.
- Phyllis Diller

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know
what a millionaire looked like.
- Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing
up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
- Phyllis Diller

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration:
set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes,
cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell,
simmer down and go about business as usual.
- Phyllis Diller

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down
is so you can't see him laughing.
- Phyllis Diller

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head
down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
- Phyllis Diller

Always be nice to your children because they are the
ones who will choose your rest home.
- Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said,
'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
- Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is
looking for a job the next day.
- Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford.
Then I want to move in with them.
- Phyllis Diller

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband,
Fang.
How about short and cheap?
- Phyllis Diller

Self-respect is not a function of size, age, or wealth.
Breathe deep, sing loud and sweet,
"I am me, I am unique, I am magnificent."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Dreams are renewable no matter what our age.
- Dale Turner

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older,
I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
- Bill Cosby

When you become senile, you won't know it.
- Bill Cosby

And in the end, it's not
the years in your life that count,
it's the life in your years.
- Abraham Lincoln

None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm.
- Henry David Thoreau

Age does not protect you from love.
But love, to some extent, protects you from age.
- Anais Nin

It is never too late to become what you might have been.
- George Eliot

I'm saving that rocker for the day
when I feel as old as I really am.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

Those who love deeply never grow old;
they may die of old age,
but they die young.
- Dorothy Canfield Fisher

Bashfulness is an ornament to youth,
but a reproach to old age.
- Aristotle

When your friends begin to flatter
you on how young you look,
it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- Mark Twain

Age considers; youth ventures.
- Rabindranath Tagore

The heresy of one age becomes the orthodoxy of the next.
- Helen Keller

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's
birthday but never remembers her age.
- Robert Frost

Legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age.
- H. L. Mencken

Old age adds to the respect due to virtue,
but it takes nothing from the contempt inspired by vice;
it whitens only the hair.
- Ira Gershwin

What most persons consider as virtue,
after the age of 40 is simply a loss of energy.
- Voltaire

Old age is like a plane flying through a storm.
Once you're aboard, there's nothing you can do.
- Golda Meir

You end up as you deserve.
In old age you must put up with the face,
the friends, the health, and the children you have earned.
- Judith Viorst

Advice in old age is foolish; for what can be more
absurd than to increase our provisions for the road
the nearer we approach to our journey's end.
- Marcus Tullius Cicero

The tendency of old age to the body,
say the physiologists,
is to form bone.
It is as rare as it is pleasant to meet with an old
man whose opinions are not ossified.
- Bob Wells

Youth is the gift of nature, but age is a work of art.
- Stanislaw Lec

Old age, believe me, is a good and pleasant thing.
It is true you are gently shouldered off the stage,
but then you are given such a comfortable front stall as spectator.
- Confucius

Forty is the old age of youth, fifty is the youth of old age.
- Hosea Ballou

In youth we run into difficulties.
In old age difficulties run into us.
- Beverly Sills

We will not be driven by fear into an age of unreason
if we dig deep in our history and remember
that we are not descended from fearful men,
not from men who feared to write, to speak,
to associate and to defend causes
which were for the moment unpopular.
- Edward R. Murrow

One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin

Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist begin to change places.
- E. Joseph Cossman

Whatever poet, orator or sage may say of it,
old age is still old age.
- Sinclair Lewis

Habits age men before their time.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Keep courage. Whatever you do,
do not feel sorry for yourself.
You will win in a great age of opportunity.
- Richard L. Evans

I don't believe one grows older.
I think that what happens early on in life is that
at a certain age one stands still and stagnates.
- T. S. Eliot


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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